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I saw her again last night
And you know that I shouldn’t
To string her along’s just not right
If I couldn’t I wouldn’t
But what can I do, I’m lonely too
And it makes me feel so good to know
You’ll never leave me
I’m in way over my head
Now she thinks that I love her
Because that’s what I said
Though I never think of her
But what can I do, I’m lonely too
And it makes me feel so good to know
You’ll never leave me
Every time I see that girl
You know I wanna lay down and die
But I really need that girl
Don’t know why I’m livin’ a lie
It makes me wanna cry
“I think I hate this song.”
Xander just laughed. Then he got serious. He can switch tracks faster than anyone else I know. “He did it again.”
“Yeah.” It always feels good being with Xander, and that night was no exception. He’s my best friend. I would never consider telling anyone else how much Spike hurt me. Xander never says “I told you so,” even though he could. “Drusilla. He’s addicted to her. Every time he comes back to me, he swears he loves me, promises he won’t do it again...”
“And then he does.”
“Yeah.” I watched Xander leaf through the diner’s menu for a moment. We come to Lucy’s almost every day, so I knew he was thinking.
Finally he looked up. “Are you going to take him back?”
For a minute, all I could think of were Spike’s eyes, his lips, his high cheekbones. I could almost feel his fingers running through my hair, unbuttoning my blouse. And then I was back in the diner, looking into Xander’s big puppy dog eyes. I will never be able to lie to those eyes. “I want to.”
“Will you?”
“No.” Somewhere in my chest, I felt the piece of my heart that can’t live without my Spike--a large part--begin to sob. I grabbed Xander’s hands from across the table. “I need you to help me. I can’t say not to him without your help.”
He rose and came around the table to sit by my. For some odd reason, the gesture seemed more intimate than usual. “I’ll always be here for you, Gab. No matter what. We’re a team, right?”
“Right.”
He put his arm around and smiled. I bet he is the only person on Earth who can make me smile when I’m that depressed. “Hey, don’t sound so down. Look at it this way, Spikey can’t split a chocolate fudge double sundae with you. I can.”
~When I saw you, that’s when I knew
I’d lose my mind over you.~
For the first few months after losing Spike, he was all Gabby could think about. It’s getting better, though. She’s healing. She smiles more. That light, the little spark I love, is back in her eyes again. I even caught her talking to Willow and giggling the other day.
And she’s noticing me. Ever since she first stumbled into our little group, I’ve had a huge crush on her. I thank God sometimes that Willow got into Wicca. Never would have met Gabs otherwise. Gabby isn’t Wicca, but she’s close enough that they get along well. And she helps Willow with her spells. Silly, maybe, having crushes like this . . . but there’s just something about her. She’s funny like Buffy, as smart as Willow and she’s pretty. Not like some weird supermodel. Pretty like a real person. Like Cordy never was and never will be.
~When I held you, that’s when I knew
I’d lose my mind over you.~
I put my arm around her last night at the diner. She just smiled. Didn’t make me move or anything. God, she was just so . . . close. And she smelled good. I didn’t ever want to move. But we did. On the way home, though, she held my hand. Maybe she does like me like I like her. Maybe ol’ Spikey is a thing of the past. Maybe . . . maybe I’m reading things into it. But maybe not.
~When I saw you, I realized somethin’
I didn’t realize,
You got somethin’, you got something’
That makes me want to say “Sigh, sigh, sigh”~
Every time I’m around her now I get all tongue-tied. I feel like a little kid. Everything I do seems stupid. I guess if she didn’t like all my stupid jokes she’d stop hanging out with me, though, right? When she really thinks one of them is funny, she laughs. I love her laugh! Loud and clear and her eyes crinkle up at the corners. It’s so cute. Eventually I’ll have to get over all this googly-eye stuff and tell her I like her. It’s been a long time since she told Spike off. She’s almost ready.
~When I saw you, that’s when I knew
I’d lose my mind, lose my mind
I’d lose my mind over you.~
Well, I finally broke down and asked her out yesterday. She said yes. She also told me I should have asked a long time ago. All that hand-holding really was a sign. Gabby said she’s liked me for a long time, she just didn’t know it. I told her she should have figured it out sooner and skipped on vamp-boy. I regretted it when I saw her sad little smile, but she said she was glad she’d been with Spike. He taught her a lot about like. Like life sucks. But now she’s with me.
Our first kiss . . . magic. Yeah, I know, that’s dumb, but it was! I swear I actually SAW fireworks. The way she melted against me . . . we fit together perfectly. Like she was made to be in my arms. It wasn’t straight passion like it was with Cordy. There was something . . . more . . . about it. Spiritual. Maybe we’re soulmates. I’ll have to ask Willow about it. All I know for now is that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I can’t see myself without her. Not ever.