~I am not a child, though you'll treat me as you've always seen me.
I never expected to feel such a jolt when I saw Cordelia again. I didn’t expect my knees to turn to jelly or my palms to sweat. The second she turned that beautiful smile my way, though, I melted. The last time I had seen her, something in the way she looked, the way her eyes never held a spark for more than a few minutes, told me how she’d changed. Cordy wasn’t our snobby little prom queen anymore. She had become a woman off in L.A. I had no idea how to relate to her then, of course. Nineteen year old boys can’t talk to grown-up ladies without sounding like jackasses. And did I ever!
We’re all a little older now, a little more worn-around-the edges. Twenty years can change you a lot. When the computer company I work for told me I’d be going to L.A., the first thing I did was call Cordelia. She seemed happy to hear my voice, so I figured everything was cool again. She didn’t blame me for acting like a moron or threatening to beat Wesley with a particularly large volume of demon folklore. Actually, I still want to do that. I asked about our favorite nancy boy when I called, but Cordy told me he’d gotten picked off during a fight with some demon or another. Angel made the gallant effort to save him, but it didn’t work. Darn.
Cordelia was more beautiful as a woman than she ever had been as a girl. The maturity of her face, the few strands of silver in her long, thick dark hair made her all the more ravishing. Her eyes were darker, but they seemed more hopeful than the last time. They lacked the loss and pain of before. She smiled and hugged me and I wondered why I ever let her go back in high school. If I’d been thinking, I might’ve realized that having a real life with Cordelia was better than my fantasy life with Buffy or some imagined passion with Willow. Kids do the dumbest things.
~And you say you love me still
How your soul does change and your heart still ponders
How I could grow fonder of a life out on my own.
I still sing the harmony.
I'll have another wine and toast this madness.
I'll howl at your moon on my way home alone.~
Seeing Xander as a man isn’t easy. He’s still him, even if he looks older, even if his hair is graying and he has crow’s feet and he’s actually wearing a real suit. He’s still Xander. I have to admit, I still feel something for him. That gray hair thing is pretty sexy. I see in his big, brown puppy dog eyes that he’s still got a thing for me. It’s sweet. After all this time, though, I’ve learned to leave the past where it is. Dredging things up just makes them painful.
So much has changed inside me. Things in there hurt, things I didn’t ever know were there to begin with. It started with losing Xander. It was more a blow to my pride than my heart, but it cut either way. Then my family lost its money and I was one of the little people I’d always looked down on. I moved to L.A. to escape and fulfill my dreams of fame and fortune. That worked out just great. Of course, I’m a full partner at Angel Investigations now, and we pull in our fair share of business. Kate helps us still. She’s higher up than before in the department, so there’s even fewer people to question why she’s giving out information to some weird guy they don’t know.
I think the thing that ripped largest chunk out of my spirit was losing Doyle. I didn’t realize for a long time how much that hurt. I mean, I missed him, but the force of it never hit me. Wesley came along and that distracted me for awhile. It was good having someone—even some dweeb I had no interest in—lusting after me. But when I went to bed, I didn’t think about Wesley or Xander or any of the pretty Hollywood types I snagged. I thought about Doyle. I missed his voice and the way he looked out for me. I wished I had taken the initiative sooner, since he was always too insecure to approach me first. I wanted him to come back so we could have our chance. I still do.
~Do you still want to know
Where does the love go when it dies?
Hey, I want you to know love never dies,
It is sheltered here very safe inside, and it's left you
With a friend out in the madness.~
“It was great seeing you again, Cordy. I hadn’t realized how long it’s been until . . . I missed you more than I thought.”
“It’s good seeing you too. It’s been too long.”
“I guess now we go home, huh? We go back to our cozy little one bedroom apartments and keep trying to find lives.”
“Yes, Mr. Sunshine and Happiness, we do. We’ve got to keep looking for something or we’ll go insane. Besides, I’m not giving up on me yet. Or you.”
“Peachy. You just keep that hope going and maybe some of it’ll rub off on me.”
“It better! I learned a long time ago that being hopeless hurts even more than having your hope crushed. Trust me.”
“I do. And you’re right.”
“Well, it’s late. Angel wants me to help him decipher the filing system tomorrow.”
“Real men don’t need files.”
“Whatever you say. Still, he won’t get it. At all. I’m the only one who does. Ensures job security.”
“Thanks for seeing me.”
“No problem. We’ll have to do this again sometime.”
“Yeah. Maybe less depressing next time?”
“Maybe.”
“Night.”
“Night.”